Stagnation

2018-07-16 12.30.43

(photo note: this is not a great example of stagnation, but I killed my phone with ocean water early on in this trip, so this is the best I could do).

I have not been writing. Or rather, I have been trying, starting a lot of topics, and stopping and not finishing. I love to write. I feel it is my “thing”, my creative outlet, and yet I feel unable to do it lately. I have ideas, but I can’t get them to form into something cohesive that I want to complete and present.

Is this writer’s block? I don’t consider myself a writer so much as someone who enjoys writing, so I haven’t ever really thought of writer’s block as something that would apply to me. But I have been wanting to write and failing at it recently, when most times the words pour out of me, so perhaps this is writer’s block.

And if something is blocking me, it begs the question of what is the block?

Which brings me to the title of this post – Stagnation.

stag·na·tion
staɡˈnāSH(ə)n/
noun
the state of not flowing or moving.
“blocked drains resulting in water stagnation”
  • lack of activity, growth, or development.
    “a period of economic stagnation”

I have definitely felt stagnant lately, waiting for a big change, and now, suddenly, it’s here.

I am divorced. This is big. This is not something I’d ever have thought I’d want. But it was time, and I have been ready for awhile, and now it’s a fact. And I can move forward in ways I have been unable to for a long time, despite the fact that the partnership ended years ago.

But I still feel stagnate. I thought I would feel this large weight lifted, and movement  would become suddenly easy. In some ways, I do feel lighter. But if I use the analogy of blocked water here, it’s as if a large boulder was removed, but there is still a lot of debris in the stream, so it’s not flowing freely, there are barriers still to remove, and therefore lots of murky areas that will need to be flushed out before it all runs clear.

Which brings me to today, coming home from vacationing in beautiful Maine, having left, for the most part, my large anti-stagnation to-do list behind for a week, I find myself really resistant to picking it all back up again. There is so much necessary to be done, and I will do it. But I really don’t wanna – there’s a whole lot of don’t wanna coming home with me. I don’t know how one gets past this much don’t wanna, except to push on through, which I used to be good at, but feel I am losing my aptitude for.  I don’t wanna push. I want to stop, smell the flowers and the summer air, and my daughter’s sweet heads and sit with family and friends and not do all of the many things on my list.

So there you have it. My stagnation. Maybe just putting it out there will help – I don’t know. Maybe making a goal oriented list will give me a stronger feeling that what’s on the other side of this is worth pushing for and pushing through. Maybe, more than anything, I’m just really tired of pushing through. Maybe there’s another way that I haven’t found. Maybe through this process I will find that mythical other way.

I didn’t really want to write this, I’d much rather write of cheerful things, but this was easy to write, so I imagine there’s something to it for me. Something about authenticity and moving through the murk to get to what’s on the other side. I’d just really rather be on the side, thank you very much.

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