Cocooning

 

nature macro butterfly larva

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

 

Not long ago, I was on a wintery walk with my beautiful friend S – S is the kind of friend I can have deep conversations with, without effort. They just happen with us, I think because we resonate mutually at this level. I love this about our friendship.

We were discussing our teenagers, and specifically the apparent need for them to spend a lot of time holed up in their rooms, away from family members. S, I think, referred to this as spending time in a cocoon. Which, when I thought more on this, makes so much sense. Teenagers, are working on pulling away from their families, of differentiating and developing their own sense of selves, more and more independent from those of us who gave them life. We see them through our own lenses, but they need to develop a vision of self that is their own. They emerge, eventually, as something, someone different. Hopefully, ready to fly, but, at least in my case, I want my butterflies to know they have a  place with me to come back and touch down and rest now and then, if needed.

I made the comment, at one point during the conversation, that I wish I’d been less sheltered, and had the opportunity to explore life a bit more, while still in the warm cocoon of my parent’s home.  I’m honestly not sure whether this would have changed much for me, but it was an interesting thought. And as a parent, I’m doing my best to walk the line between giving her the cocoon space (she’s in her room on her own as I write this), and pulling her back out a bit to engage in our family and in the life we still largely share, and throw in my two cents here and there, hopefully in a way she can hear, but sometimes not.

All of this made me think more about the concept of the cocoon, or cocooning, if you will, and that there have been a number of times in my life when I could have really used this, the ability to pull in completely for a bit in times of intense transition, and with any luck, emerge transformed and more whole.

Early motherhood comes to mind – I can think of few times more raw and tender for me than this. This time when my body was completely altered, and exhausted from bringing forth life. And then trying to know what to do with this person I created, some of it coming as pure instinct, and some of it feeling completely foreign and unknown. There is this perception, still I think, that we’re just supposed to know what to do as parents, we just become them. But wow, did I Not feel that way after my first was born. I had a lot of support with this early on, and didn’t work right after she was born, which I’m really grateful for. But so many don’t have this option.

After a loss  – I think we need this so much after a loss, or maybe just after any major transition. After my mother died, and again, when my marriage disintegrated, I wanted so much to be able to stay home alone for a week or so and curl into myself, and weep for all that was no more, and all I had to become, like it or not.

Nests – I think when my “nest”empties, I will want this again. I feel it already a little, this shifting in my very being, with this first girl of mine, who is stretching and spreading and needing me so much less – we talk frankly about this lately – I will need to become something new when my intense work of mothering is done. I have some inkling of who I may become, but it’s really more of a soft lump of clay right now, and when a little definition begins to emerge, the wind shifts and smooths it back over. Not time yet.

Given that the opportunity to completely withdraw for a bit hasn’t manifested in my life, I’m thinking now that following my teenagers example might actually be smarter and more realistic. So today, instead of jumping into that endless to do list, I dozed on the sofa with our Ginger (kitty) and listened to the kids in the background and felt some things unwind and reform, into what I’m not yet sure, but I am sure it was right.

Back of the House

red and brown floral stair carpet

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

If you’ve ever worked in the hospitality industry, the term Back of the House means something to you. To those not in the know, Back of the House refers to the behind the scenes areas where all of the magic happens. The kitchens and prep areas where beautiful food is prepared, where dishes are washed, where serving items and decor are stored and made ready to use, to create the magic of an event or dining experience.

When I was in my late 20s and early 30s, I worked as a banquet server. I started off at a very middle of the road conference hotel, and later was encouraged by co-workers to apply at some better places. One holiday season, I was hired by the Hotel Del Coronado, a lovely seaside Victorian resort hotel, famed as the location of several well known Marilyn Monroe movies, and which hosted many elegant events.

The hotel was under restoration at the time (during our orientation, it was stressed that we were to phrase this accurately to guests as a restoration rather than renovation, the distinction being significant, apparently, to the marketing of the hotel).

The hotel boasted some very lovely event spaces and ballrooms – the Crown Room is known for having hosted prominent political dignitaries. All of the areas guest could access were lovely and elegant, some being, as it were, restored to previous splendor.

The back of the house….not so much. I was initially shocked at how shabby the back of the house areas were. Old, faded, chipped paint, cracked tiles. None of the facade we shared with our guests translated to the behind the scenes work spaces. Functional, for the most part, they were. Attractive, they were not.  If you’ve ever lived or spent time in an older house, you’ll know what I mean when I say that even layers of fresh paint in some areas couldn’t cover up years of grime and wear and bumps and scars. The true history of the space was readily apparent in those walls and corners.

This makes me think of the facade many of us present to the world, and how imperfect our personal back of the house areas can be. But in many ways, this is where all the work happens and where the real magic comes from, where the real gold is mined.

Somehow,  in my growing up, I made the determination that my flaws were bigger, or worse, than those of the average person. Why else did everyone else seem to have it so together, while I felt so awkward, inelegant and clueless about the things so many seemed to know about? I was and am an intense overthinker – how could I possibly stack up and have something worthy to offer, compared to so many people who just act and move forward with ease?

Not long ago, someone I had recently met remarked upon what they considered my poise. I laughed aloud (still laughing at this,really). Can I really have outgrown that utterly awkward ugly-duckling self I have identified with for so long? And then someone I consider accomplished, elegant, and inspiring, let me have a peep into their “back of the house” and whoa! Come to find out, in many ways, so similar to mine. At this point, at the ripe old age of my current ripe old age, that shouldn’t be surprising to me, but it was, and it made me think about my perception of myself, and think that maybe it’s time to rethink it once again. Maybe we all should.

More than anything, what I’ve started to recognize how important it is to show up and just live, warts and all. There’s so much to do – we have so much to give, and so little time, really. Self-acceptance is an interesting journey – I myself have made some massively foolish life choices, with my head in the sand and guided more by my heart than said head. But here I am “poised” and ready for the next chapter. Join me?

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PS –  A scene from my current, actual house. Ahem.

6+ Years….

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Monday was the 6th anniversary of my mother’s passing. There is a surrealness for me still,  to writing these words.

I did not forget what day it was, but it passed swiftly as all of my days do lately, in a flurry of taking care of business – these days, of wrapping up summer and getting ready to send two not-quite-so-little-anymore girls off to school once more. It passed in wrapping up other long over due details of my life, in a tired haze, but the day was not lost on me. I would like to have had some moments to sit quietly and reflect on all of this, but instead, in my usual multi-tasking way, I ruminated on where I am with this, while trying to do so many other things, all without much focus.

I reflected last year (read it here) on how tough this still is for me, how much is still sucks. And truth be told, it still does, it still sucks. I still miss her, speaking of her loss still chokes me up, and I still wish it were different.

But a few months after writing that piece last year, I decided I needed to get a little more intentional about healing from this loss, and come to some deeper acceptance that this is the turn her life, and subsequently mine, and all of those who loved her, has taken. It was time for the deep mourning to soften. Time to embrace life for what it is, at least as much as mourn what it isn’t.

The biggest piece I’ve come to accept is that the missing doesn’t really get any easier, and maybe it shouldn’t. I will always miss her, she gave me life, and she loved me fiercely in the best way she knew how. In her own beautiful, messy, flawed, uniquely Stephanie way, she loved me, and who wouldn’t miss that?

She gave me many gifts, as well as some significant challenges, and in some ways even those are gifts, for they’ve forced me to stretch beyond what I knew, what I was raised with, and question what I wish to carry forth, and what would be best left behind. This is, like so much of life, and ongoing process, but that is also as it should be.

The greatest gift she gave me was her fierce love, which I hope I am doing an adequate job of translating to my own children. I love them with everything in me, and I try not to be too overbearing with this, and definitely fail sometimes at this, but I hope when and if they reflect back on their childhoods with me, they’ll remember and feel the strength of that love.

She gave me a deep sense of responsibility toward others, I can remember vividly, her telling me when I was quite small, that I should think about how others felt too – I think this was mostly in the context of her trying to navigate the sibling issues between myself and my little brother, but it left a deep impression on me, and I still think that way all of the time.

She was never one to accept the status quo as necessarily right, and from that I learned to examine and question everything around me, including my own motives. In a nutshell, she taught me critical thinking. This both keeps me up at night and probably makes me a better person.

She always strove for self-improvement, and I also took this very much to heart. These days, I’m striving to not think so much of improvement, and more of just resting where I’m at for a few moments. If I could speak to her today, I’d love to tell her that I can see how far she came, and that it was enough.

She taught me also a sense of responsibility toward the world around me, and especially the natural world. I don’t have the same level zeal she had for doing right by this planet we live on, but it all really matters to me, and informs my actions and choices still.

But most of all, as I already mentioned, she taught me love. My little one says snuggling is my superpower, so I think mom and I both got something right there.

Stagnation

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(photo note: this is not a great example of stagnation, but I killed my phone with ocean water early on in this trip, so this is the best I could do).

I have not been writing. Or rather, I have been trying, starting a lot of topics, and stopping and not finishing. I love to write. I feel it is my “thing”, my creative outlet, and yet I feel unable to do it lately. I have ideas, but I can’t get them to form into something cohesive that I want to complete and present.

Is this writer’s block? I don’t consider myself a writer so much as someone who enjoys writing, so I haven’t ever really thought of writer’s block as something that would apply to me. But I have been wanting to write and failing at it recently, when most times the words pour out of me, so perhaps this is writer’s block.

And if something is blocking me, it begs the question of what is the block?

Which brings me to the title of this post – Stagnation.

stag·na·tion
staɡˈnāSH(ə)n/
noun
the state of not flowing or moving.
“blocked drains resulting in water stagnation”
  • lack of activity, growth, or development.
    “a period of economic stagnation”

I have definitely felt stagnant lately, waiting for a big change, and now, suddenly, it’s here.

I am divorced. This is big. This is not something I’d ever have thought I’d want. But it was time, and I have been ready for awhile, and now it’s a fact. And I can move forward in ways I have been unable to for a long time, despite the fact that the partnership ended years ago.

But I still feel stagnate. I thought I would feel this large weight lifted, and movement  would become suddenly easy. In some ways, I do feel lighter. But if I use the analogy of blocked water here, it’s as if a large boulder was removed, but there is still a lot of debris in the stream, so it’s not flowing freely, there are barriers still to remove, and therefore lots of murky areas that will need to be flushed out before it all runs clear.

Which brings me to today, coming home from vacationing in beautiful Maine, having left, for the most part, my large anti-stagnation to-do list behind for a week, I find myself really resistant to picking it all back up again. There is so much necessary to be done, and I will do it. But I really don’t wanna – there’s a whole lot of don’t wanna coming home with me. I don’t know how one gets past this much don’t wanna, except to push on through, which I used to be good at, but feel I am losing my aptitude for.  I don’t wanna push. I want to stop, smell the flowers and the summer air, and my daughter’s sweet heads and sit with family and friends and not do all of the many things on my list.

So there you have it. My stagnation. Maybe just putting it out there will help – I don’t know. Maybe making a goal oriented list will give me a stronger feeling that what’s on the other side of this is worth pushing for and pushing through. Maybe, more than anything, I’m just really tired of pushing through. Maybe there’s another way that I haven’t found. Maybe through this process I will find that mythical other way.

I didn’t really want to write this, I’d much rather write of cheerful things, but this was easy to write, so I imagine there’s something to it for me. Something about authenticity and moving through the murk to get to what’s on the other side. I’d just really rather be on the side, thank you very much.

Reaching for the light…

When my oldest daughter was about 4, she began, in the winter, to come and find me, and pull me into the beams of light that came through the windows. These could be rare, we can go weeks without much direct sunlight in winter here, and she knew that I missed sun, and so appreciated it when it peaked through. I was, and still am, immensely touched by the sweetness in this gesture.

I still feel this way – I long for the light on darker days, and it soothes me when the light finally breaks through. Today was such a day – mostly cloudy, rainy.  I got outside and into the garden anyway, and enjoyed it.

But at the end of day, while washing dishes, I chanced to glance through the window, and caught this beam of light – just a patch, but so brilliant, as the sun was readying to set, that it felt like a bit of fire, and warmth.

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I have been reflecting this weekend on the light and darkness in my life, and the feeling that I have been caught up in darkness for too long, lately. For years now, in truth. The loss of my mother, and then my marriage, and the intense, gut-wrenching, many-layered fallout associated with that, which is ongoing. And I have descended, and come back and descended once again. And I have learned so much. I am older, I am wiser, I am stronger, I am more capable, I am more compassionate, I am a heck of a lot more tired. I am truly better in many ways, I see this. This is real, this is life. And I’d like to be more joyful.

It has been necessary for me to look at all of this loss, and much of what led up to it, to own it, to accept it, to live it. Dark and light exist in opposition to each other because this is necessary for balance. Because we can’t know one without the other.

But through all of this there have been rays of light in so many forms. I have seen them, been grateful for them, but maybe haven’t been able to fully absorb them, wandering as I have been in the dark. So many precious sunlit moments- faces of my children, my family, my friends, who have been here with me through all of this. Who have stood there with me, steadfast through this storm, who have reached out to me in some of the sweetest ways. Some chance encounters with beautiful strangers – who have touched me, us, in small ways that feel like sunbeams.

I have been looking long enough at the darkness for now. It will still be there, and I will still see it, but in the background for a time. Now is the time to reach for the light, and see where that takes me next.

 

Extraordinary – Ordinary

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My life is filled with ordinary life stuff. Like many people, I work full time, I have children full time, I do more in a week than I generally want to, and sleep way too little. I’m not proud of this, I just haven’t mastered the art of doing it differently. Maybe someday.

We are tired this week – things have been I suppose a bit busier than usual, and there’s this last (I hope) big wave of winter before spring arrives finally. We’re all cranky. The cats are underfoot and snarling at each other (mostly the big one at the baby one) because who wants to be inside anymore, and outside is still cold, damp, icy and unappealing.

And my teen, who is largely pretty solid these days, has  been melting a bit.  My ability to cope well with this at the end of the day varies widely depending on how rested and solid I’m feeling – not much these days.

But somehow, in that tired, too late and we should all be in bed already mid-week moment, I was able to pull it out. And we all ended up in her room, me telling stories of my youth (she knows most of them already, the little one hasn’t heard them all yet), and in particular, the one where my cousins and my brother and I were playing funeral, because we had a record of dreary ballet music that worked so well for this. And my brother, the “deceased” fell asleep face down on the bed (why was he face down?) and we thought he really died and scared the daylights out of my mom and aunt, innocent to our antics and having coffee in the kitchen.

And the little one laughed so hard that she shook, and the big one smiled and asked for stories about the things that sucked for me when I was her age. Because puberty and being a teenager really sucks sometimes, when everything is changing, and you begin to lose the stuff of childhood, but haven’t gained adulthood yet. I remember this so well. She is so much braver, tougher, and more confident than I was at that age, that I can easily forget that this time can be hard on her. That was a very lost and lonely time for me, and I can’t think of much of anything from then I’d repeat. So it’s good to remember where she is now, even when she seems strong.

And last night, she voluntarily came into the kitchen and we made dinner together, something she hasn’t done without serious prodding in ages.  And we laughed and talked about what is important in her world these days.

My life is ordinary, but filled with these beautiful rich, ordinary moments. Moments I’m likely to forget, as time goes by.  But moments I know are absolutely precious and to me, extraordinary.

Degrees of Separation – How close is close enough?

In this week+ after the horrendous shooting at at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland , FL, I have been pondering what the hell does someone like me do or say about something like this?

I vote. I vote for gun control and the candidates who support it. I make some calls (not enough). My children participate in the lockdown drills that are now mandatory 4 times per school year in our district. I talk to my daughters about them, about why we do them. About what to do if this comes to their school. I talk to them about kindness and about speaking out. None of this is enough.

And I stare at this messy pile of boots and shoes in my entry.  The one that exasperates me, that I’m constantly reminding them to pick up and put in the bins. And I think about the parents who have lost their children in these preventable ways, and how many of them have messy boot piles, and dirty laundry piles, and all the stuff of living with and raising children.  And they will pick these up one last time and never get to do it again, or maybe want to leave it there forever, because they never get to do it again. And my heart breaks for these parents, the siblings, all the people who lost their loved one in these preventable ways.

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Also, I remember.

I remember sitting with my good friends in the days just after the Sandy Hook elementary massacre in December 2012. Sitting with them, still dazed from the loss of my mother a few months earlier, as they prepared to go do the impossible, travel to Newtown to comfort their friends, who lost a child that day. I remember talking with them afterward, I remember the palpable devastation that clung to them when they returned. I’m sure they have not forgotten.

The details of this belong to the family who lost their child, to my friends who lived it with them , this not my story to tell, except for the impact on me. I remember thinking, oh my God. I’ve met the mother of this child, when she visited with her older son, when all of our oldest children were toddlers. I sat on my friend’s living room floor and had tea and watched our children play. I remember thinking, how does this woman, this mother who lost her child in this unthinkable, preventable way, get up in the morning? How does she eat, shower, care for her other child? How does she remember to breathe or even want to? How does she do any of these things even now, when it’s still freaking happening? This is three degrees of separation from me. Not me, not my child, not my friend’s child, but the child of their friends, someone I’ve met. This is close, this is way too freaking close, this is close enough.

I’ve been sitting back, watching the reactions this week on Facebook as much as I can bear (which isn’t much these days), and engaging minimally. I’ve read and shared some good articles and opinions, I’ve been moved by the students who survived this and now refuse to be complacent. I’ve been watching with stunned fascination at some of the commentary by a few friends and acquaintances that range from suggesting that we arm veterans and teachers in schools to some completely whacked out conspiracy theories to scorning the Tide-Pod eating teens who want to challenge the 2nd amendment. And I wonder why, at 46, these types of reactions still shock me, and whether there’s anything to be said here.

This is a question I’ve asked myself repeatedly.  Is it worth my breath to engage when I see something like this? And if I don’t, am I complicit, and aren’t I just preaching to the choir? And let’s be honest, I’m mostly surrounded by my choir, and I’m good with that. If I’m frank, what I need to admit is that I don’t trust myself to respond here. In situations like this, my frustration and anger surface and I know that my sharpness and judgment don’t build bridges or solve anything. I saw a friend of mine respond gently and beautifully to something completely asinine just yesterday, and it humbled me. I have something to learn there. I’m watching and trying to learn so I can be a more effective part of the conversation.

The current rhetoric is that we have to come together somehow, to talk it out, to find common ground, and I don’t disagree with this.  But I think we have enough common ground to enact change. Current polls show that more Americans than not favor stronger gun control laws. As for those who don’t, well I don’t want to try sway you. You have to find your own way here, through whatever is binding you to the problem, rather than being part of the solution. Some of you are doing this on your own. I will say just this. I hope this never comes close to you.  I’m going to do what I can to make sure that doesn’t happen. I’m going to do my best to help push us all forward and leave you behind if you won’t come along.

When I first see all of this, I lose heart, and I’ve been stuck there  for awhile. I look at the ugly corruption in our political system, well exemplified by the fool at the top, and down through the ranks. And I lose heart. I vote and it feels like a waste. And I lose heart. I listen to fools with no apparent wisdom in them sound off. And I lose heart.

So now I want to preach to the choir, and maybe mostly to myself, and say now is the time To Find Heart, To Take Heart. To Not Back Down. To stop saying what I do doesn’t help, and just keep showing up in any way, large or small, until we make this better.

When I slow down a bit, and breathe, I see it. Change is on the wind, I can smell it like I can smell a hint of spring in the air when I step outside today.  The world is shifting and unlike many, I have faith in this generation that is coming of age now. They are different than we were, they’re supposed to be, they are shaped by evolving challenges and circumstances, and they are responding. Change is inevitable, integral to life. Someday, we will look back on this as we do on so many shameful parts of our history where we waited too long to demand change, and say this too is part of our shameful past, and but no longer our present. And it may well not be completely solved, we are still addressing the flaws, but we’re heading in the right direction. And I will not take in the words of fools who say there’s nothing to be done, that common sense regulation won’t help. I am not that fool.

If you need a little motivation To Find Heart, some good reads….

Fuck You, I Like Guns, from Anastasia Bernoulli. Smart, on point opinion on why we need to ban assault rifles, from someone, who, unlike me, understands weapons and their appeal. I appreciate this educated perspective – given the opportunity, I’d love to buy her a cup of coffee, or a beer, or both.

The AR-15 is Different, from Heather Sher, radiologist who read the scans of the Parkland victims, on how these injuries differ from those inflicted by handguns and, again, why we should ban them.

Dan Rather’s moving Facebook post in support of those working for this change. I grew up on Dan Rather, and I’m grateful still for his voice today, for shedding some light when all can feel so dark.

And, if you’re overwhelmed and not sure what to do, check out Jennifer Hoffman’s American’s of Conscience site where you can sign up for a weekly email of actionable items.

Be well friends, and Find Heart, Take Heart.