I have recently been thinking a lot about paradox, which to me means holding two contradictory concepts or qualities together.

My mom talked about paradox a lot, and I do mean, A LOT. It was one of those things she mentioned frequently, and I remember feeling that good-natured, internal (but barely) eyeroll at this, one of her “things,” the concepts she latched onto and kept talking about.

In retrospect, I imagine she was trying to make sense of some things that don’t seem to fit together but somehow have to, just as I am right now. So there’s a little irony, or comeuppance for my irreverent thoughts toward her, ha! Sorry mama.

I wonder, these days, how to hold these things in my space or being, that seem to be uncomfortable pairings. How do I, for example, miss my mother terribly, and simultaneously be okay without her, and recognize the good that has come since she has passed? How do I love someone for all of the good they were and are, and yet loath them for their current behavior? How do I embrace the wonder of what’s around the next bend and also acknowledge the bittersweetness of the swift passage of time? How do I love deeply and unreservedly, knowing that loss is inherent to life?

Some people seem to have a better grasp on all of this, or to simply accept it without chewing on it the way I do. Right now I am sitting with all of it, holding it, and meditating on it, which I am not at all good at, but hope to be someday, maybe in 10 or 20 or 50 years. If you have thoughts on this, please share.